My Favorite Quote

I heard this quote by Virginia H. Pearce several years ago on a BYU television series entitiled Messiah. I echo her words:

"I believe there is a sense of loneliness in every human heart, and separation, that we don’t talk very much about. But if you look at the way we behave, we’re acting to fill that loneliness. Everyone does. You know, will money make me feel less hollow, is there one person out there I can love and then I will never feel lonely again? Will my children if I have enough of them and they’re good enough, will they make me so I will never be lonely again? No. No. We are lonely animals. That is the nature of the mortal condition. Because we are separated from God. And so when we talk about the final winding up scene, I think the unfathomable part about it will be that that will be gone. That we will be back in His presence, and we will feel complete, we will feel whole, we will feel safe, we will feel part of everyone. We will all be just awash in this heavenly love of God, and the Savior. That’s what He is about, is bringing the whole human family into that circle. I think when we use the word encircled in His arms, that’s all of us together. The whole human family who confess His name and partake of that will be reunited in love in a way that we can only imagine now."

I struggled with rather severe postpartum depression after Max without being aware of it for a long time. But I guess why it was difficult to recognize is because I loved my life, so I couldn't figure out what was wrong. And I see around me that most of us do struggle at some time or another. Whether the loss of a loved one, sickness, bad choices, one's circumstances, body chemistry or heredity put us at the breaking point, we all will feel at some point in our lives that poignant sense of loneliness that is part of the human experience.

But the good news is we don't have to stay there. Because the Savior has promised "I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you" (John 14:18).

  Painting by Justin Kunz obtained from lds.org

I am so grateful for a Savior that suffered not only for sin, sickness, and death, but also for fear and loneliness and depression. I know He lives, I know He loves me, and I feel His comfort time and again when I take the opportunity. And when the loneliness increases I know it's often because I have some growing and learning to do that will make me happier and better than before. It is just hard to "have to wait and be patient" as Prairie Dawn tells a frustrated Cookie Monster waiting for his cookies. But I am trying and keeping my chin up. :)

"Are We Not All Mothers?"

At church for Mother's Day, each of us adult women received a little booklet of this title by Sheri Dew. The quote was familiar to me and its message is one that I have been pondering lately.

Motherhood is nurturing, caring, loving, and protecting. It is setting an example in word and deed. It is putting others' needs above your own. It is putting the family unit and love of God before all else. Because how can we better serve him then by caring for each other?

I am so grateful to both be a mother and to have been mothered by so many good women in my life. My mother, of course, is my number one inspiration. She taught me both by word and example that there was nothing more important than that sacred role and no earthly sacrifice too great. My mother-in-law exudes love and taught me the same, with her life bearing testament of that truth. My grandmothers, too, were instrumental in teaching me to live with wisdom and order and follow the commandments. They helped care for me during times in my life when my parents were overwhelmed by the stresses of providing for a large family.

My sisters and sister-in-laws also have been examples of loving and helping children in so many ways. All of them have taught me so much and been mothers to me by caring and advising and loving me and my children. Similarly, many good teachers and friends and their mothers have aided me and continue to help my life's journey.

Charity is the pure love of Christ and I am so grateful for all the times I have felt it from the women in my life. I know in God's plan women were his crowning creation. I know the Lord loves women and I know, in particular, that he loves me. I know that charity never fails, as the relief society motto reminds us.

I'm grateful to have a mother and be a mother. And I am eternally grateful for all those that mother me and that have mothered me.

Jesus Has Risen

According to latter-day revelation, April 6th is Jesus' actual birth date. (I still have the remainder of my stack of Christmas cards that, though I carried them around most of the month, didn't make it out due to some health issues, other events, and, let's be honest, perfectionism that took precedence in December. So if I get them out now, really, they aren't that late. Right? ;) )

Then yesterday, we got to celebrate Easter and commemorate his resurrection. 

And listen to His apostles on earth.

I figured it was time to resurrect the blog with this beautiful rendition of "Jesus Has Risen," a Primary song by Thelma Johnson Ryser.

I also love this video. I know my Savior lives. And because He does, I have hope. And so do you.

Great Gifts

I've been wanting to update, but it seems my hands are so rarely free from baby-holding (not that I'm complaining) and when they are it seems they are sorely needed for reading to my toddler, making dinner, vacuuming, cutting out paper dolls for my kindergartner's one hundred day project, rubbing my four-year old's back at bedtime, or some other such thing. But I need to take a little time to express gratitude for some special gifts. We have been the recipients of many blessings this past year.

First off, many thanks are in order. I know some of your prayers were involved in getting my sweet little Max here quickly and safely, just a few days after my post of pleading. I appreciated your caring. Thank you, thank you, from the bottom of my heart, thank you!

Obviously, Max was our greatest gift this Christmas. These pictures of him are from when he was about a week old, before we left on...

OUR TRIP!! Yes! As some may have seen on Facebook, our second greatest Christmas gift was that little guy arrived in time to allow us to go out to my sister's wedding! Hurrah!! I love that wonderful sister of mine. The wedding was beautiful, just like the couple. I love you Catherine and Christian! And I adore you together!! You are going to have a great life! And as luck would have it, we managed to hit my sister's homecoming talk too.

Another great gift this year was a car that fits our family (with room to grow! just in case...). Maggie snapped a shot for me at the park the other day.

After we brought baby Max home, it was time to bite the bullet. Months of scanning cars.com culminated in this gently used Honda. Mike is now in need of a new hobby. He was working within a lot of parameters, trying to balance concerns with price, age, and mileage with my desire for an eight-seater in a color I like. This one fit the bill and was as good a deal as we'd seen for what we wanted. Mike brought it home just two days 'till Christmas! It's a bluish-gray 2008 Odyssey and I love it! I just know those extra seats will come in handy when my family visits or for carpooling and cousins.

I would also be remiss if I didn't mention Mike's promotion. After he graduated, we were wondering what our next step should be, if we should look for other jobs right away or just continue on here a while longer. I'll admit the uncertainty of not knowing what our next steps should be was making me feel a bit unsettled last spring. I didn't even know what I wanted them to be. Mike's boss had hinted that he would like Mike to stay with increased responsibility. Within a few months, the offer was formalized with increased pay that perfectly met our needs, making new baby and new car a little less of a leap of faith. So for now, we stay. Life has been good to us here. It feels wise to stay in our house here longer and continue on in Kansas. Mike has a great work environment and is enjoying his associations in the bishopric of our ward. I have made some dear friends and feel comfortable in our little town. And we have some of Mike's wonderful family nearby. There is a small part of me that would still love to be east, but feels that the longer we wait the harder it will be to uproot. But really, I don't even know where I want to be anymore. All I know is that we have been blessed and I feel we are in a good and right place for our family to grow and serve and be happy right now. And it is honestly a relief not to have moving stress looming in my near future. Life is long. I am excited for where I have been, where I am, and where I am going, though it is often not what I expect or plan.

Lastly, while we are on the subject of gifts, I must mention some beautiful words on gift-giving I listened to earlier this week. It was a speech given back in 1980 by Henry B. Eyring entitled "Gifts of Love". I highly recommend it. A good summary of the main points can be found here. It discusses how some of the greatest gifts we can give are developing talents and abilities to bless others, especially our families. I know this to be true.

I am grateful my parents taught me this lesson by word and example. To me, they always seemed to be turned outward in service. Largely due to their example, by the end of high school, I had many goals and desires to learn and develop talents purely to serve and bless others, especially my family and future family. I am grateful for the chances I've had over the years and look forward to more.

Recently, I was asked to play piano to accompany the Primary children in my ward. Piano-playing is something that does not come easily to me, but the past year or more, I have been hoping for that very opportunity. I feel glad to go to a ward where my meager skills are needed and am even gladder that I have those meager skills. I owe it to my mom who encouraged me to learn to play and to the special experience I had as a high schooler, playing for the Primary children, at my Dad's urging, to give the old accompanist a break. I am grateful the music leader was patient with my fumbling and organized at picking songs for me to focus on each week. I am grateful I practiced those songs every time I passed the piano. I am grateful for divine help that helped me through the program after my best efforts to prepare. And I am now grateful for another opportunity to continue to grow in that area. An area that I enjoy, even though it is difficult for me.

The neat thing about giving service is that the person that often benefits most is you. Those Primary kids probably don't remember that I played for them. But I cannot think of piano, without thinking of that experience. I will never forget it. It is part of who I am.

More later. Much love. xoxo

Courage

Though some hours and days feel long, the months and weeks continue to fly by. I can't believe that I am due with this little guy in six days! The reality and nervousness is setting in a little. Courage. I think I can...I think I can...

I'll admit, the majority of this pregnancy, I haven't been going much beyond the daily call of duty. My priorities are being a good wife and mother and keeping my sanity. Getting Maggie off to school and keeping the younger two out of trouble takes a lot of energy. We go to story times and play groups and parks to give us somewhere to focus besides on feeling sick and tired (at the beginning) and tired and sometimes achy (at the end). And I try to make sure that I am not letting anyone turn into a PBS kids zombie by providing at least some alternate activities and reading to or playing with them. As for housekeeping, I focus on the bathrooms, laundry, kitchen and making meals, but Mike has still picked up some major slack on dishes and lately even dinner sometimes. Not to mention, he is excellent with a steam mop. (Don't know what I would do without that man.) The rest gets cleaned slowly or seasonally when my deep-cleaning instinct can't handle it anymore. I try to make the daily pick-up happen, but even when we pick up a lot, it never seems done. Most of the time, when the kids go to sleep, instead of doing something productive, I just want to curl up next to Mike to talk or watch a show. Or just plain go to sleep myself.

My little over-achieving brain with all its good ideas and interests continues to realize that its body prefers a laid-back approach and is in energy-conservation mode. I am never very productive when I am expecting. Simply taking care of my home, my young family, and church responsibilities is quite enough. It's only an occasional miracle that gets a few pictures printed and into a frame that has been up for six months or finally forces me to take an hour and sew some curtains that I've had in mind for nearly a year.

I remember thinking before Emily came, "How am I going to do this? The kids take up all my energy as it is." But then, magically after she came, it was okay. I had this adrenaline rush that came from not being pregnant anymore and having this sweet newborn that I wanted to give as much love and attention as I had my first two. And babies are the perfect excuse to slow down and enjoy the moment and take naps. Personally, I feel the hardest part of the transition with each new child hits when the baby becomes mobile and is awake more and into things, closer to the six or eighth month mark. Housekeeping seems to fall apart, separation anxiety messes with baby's and my sleep, and my initial adrenaline is gone. (I also want to note that I love nursing, but it can wipe you out too. Luckily, I had a few week break between nursing and expecting this time around and finally stopped falling asleep during post-lunch read-alouds. I felt like a new woman. I knew pregnancy is exhausting, as is waking up in the night with baby, but it was good to know that nursing is also tiring, and someday I will have more energy again!)

So, on the days when kids have the stomach flu (two weeks ago) or my back is killing me as I wake up to Emily's night terrors (last week) or Braxton-Hicks contractions slow my meager nesting efforts but go nowhere (frequently), I try to remember all the blessings that are mine (especially the five major ones that live with me) and, if the past is any indication, life will feel a lot better soon. At least for a while. Especially since we've already had the stomach flu. ;)

I hope this post is not coming off as a list of complaints. I am just trying to be honest: Sometimes life is challenging. I believe we all at times wonder if we can handle what life hands us next, be it good or bad. This is permission to take it easy on yourself and not compare yourself to others. Or just compare yourself to me and you'll feel better, especially if you come over unannounced. ;)

I don't have baby stuff washed yet. (Tomorrow's goal!) I haven't made a baby boy blanket. I didn't get all my pictures printed and organized, the blog up-to-date, or organize the clutter I had planned to. This time around, I don't even have all my deep-cleaning done. And I feel like I've been several minutes late nearly everywhere the past couple weeks (that one's brought tears in the moment--it is just so hard to drag myself and everyone else out the door). For crying out loud, I don't even have my bag packed. (Also needs to happen tomorrow. I can have fast labors.)  I have only gotten into go mode in the last few weeks and am trying to make up for months of laziness. Yet, overall, I don't feel (too) worried about any of it. We all have different strengths. And I have done some things: well-child checks, made Kate's birthday special, Christmas cards. And slowly but surely the house is coming together and preparations are being made.

I have a little perspective that comes from having been in a similar position before and knowing there are times to push yourself and times to just keep plowing forward. There will be different challenges when baby comes, but there will be a welcome reprieve from certain present ones. Besides, at least I have plenty of outlets available for final countdown anxiety.

One last thing. Normally, I don't get too antsy to have the baby early, but soon after my due date, I get kind of depressed and start to wonder if it will ever happen. This time, those feelings are settling in a bit earlier because I have (ever dwindling) hopes of making it to my little sister's wedding in the Manhattan, NYC Temple on New Year's Eve. Though Maggie and Kate were late babies, Emily coming a week early gave me a bit of hope, to which I cling. It would be our family's first reunion in a long while, as my other sister will be home from her mission this week. I can't remember the last time we were all in one place. (Perhaps three years ago for my baby sister's baptism?) Anyway, it will all depend on when this baby comes and on my recovery. Hope and pray with me? And if it's not meant to be, I will just try to resign myself and enjoy the post-holiday slow-down and our first baby boy! I know I am very blessed.

Game-changer

 

We've known for two weeks now, so I thought it was high time we announce it to the world--these girls are going to have a baby brother!! I've definitely always hoped to have some of each sex in our little brood, but was almost too surprised to be excited when the ultrasound tech first told me. "How sure are you?" I asked. She reported confidently that the anatomy was pretty clear to be seen. So Mike and I are pulling boy names from the recesses of our minds, because it looks like this one is no Anna or Olivia. Like my mother, sister-in-law, and one of my dear friends, we will have three sweet girls followed by a little buddy. I am excited to finally start browsing for tiny khakis and sweater vests.

(And aren't these sweeties so obliging? Although the ultrasound was successful for its purposes, it did not produce any good images, so when I noticed the girls looked so cute in their summery outfits one day last week, I had them color in these letters while I was making dinner and snapped a few shots before we ate. I might as well have a little fun announcing our little guy. :) )

An Announcement

Well, we've done two under two and three under four--even while Mike worked full time, did graduate school, and even taught seminary for a while--and it hasn't been too bad at all. Good thing Mike still manages to be a caring and helpful husband and father while stretched thin. The way I figure, after that, four, five and under, should be a cake-walk, right?

Let's hope so, because it's too late now. ;)

I again didn't manage to avoid my telltale-first trimester-blogging-break, but now that (so-called) morning sickness has let up, I hope to do some catching up.

(I did finally get the post I wrote on Mike's graduation up on here. I wrote it as dated, but the pictures wouldn't upload correctly that day and I never got around to trying again until now.)