Remember how I was all "look at me and my perspective" a couple days ago?
When life is looking too rosy for a while, I've begun to expect a day or two where I remember it can't be all the time. One of those periods started yesterday. I totally spaced it on a much-anticipated birthday party and spent the couple hours after that realization with a knot in my stomach. I called the birthday girl's mom and we are going to do a playdate or something soon, but I still felt so bad for Mag, especially since I just made her miss two other birthdays that were on Sunday when we're in church. I threw out the invite and am hoping she doesn't remember. Is that bad or what?
Anyway, that feeling in the pit of my stomach sent the perfectionist in me into a tailspin remembering all the things I want to get done.
Things like birthday packages to send. Blog posts to write. Digital pictures to edit and organize. And back-up online. And print. (Six years worth.) Photography skills to master. Baby calendars to complete. Decorating and house projects to finish. Paint jobs that need another coat. Sewing projects to start. Boxes to go through in the basement. Personal history projects. Family history.
Not to mention I need to repack the Goodwill boxes the girls got into and a huge bin of baby girl clothing I knocked over when hurriedly pulling out fall things for Emily. And reorganize my recipe binder whose contents remain scattered on the coffee table since an unfortunate knock off the counter sent them flying.
I want to learn Spanish and French and play the piano better and serve everyone I know by acting on every kind impulse I have. And I have a lot of them. I want to better master the scriptures and spend more time in prayer and meditation. Not to mention I want to spend every minute with my loved ones and be present to listen and care for and love them.
I just want it all done now!
And instead of doing anything about it, I sit here blogging about it.
Traditionally, these type of feelings are followed by ones that everyone else has it so much more together than I do. Which is ridiculous. And untrue.
But anyway, lest I be portraying a false image that I know it all and I've got it all together, there you have it folks. I don't. And I know I don't. Right now I feel like the only thing I do well is dinner. And that gets eaten fast and leaves dishes.
That's why I write when I've got the perspective I'm looking for. I've. got. time.
I can take those projects on a bit at a time and enjoy the moment as well. I need to remember that feeling when Anxious Sarah starts to kick in.
But since she's here and I need to tame her a bit, I invited my sister-in-law over tomorrow. We are going to try to get together once in a while and take turns watching kids while the other gets something done. I tend to jump too much from thing to thing, which is in part why I have trouble keeping my home uncluttered (and why I may at times have twenty tabs open on my web browser simultaneously). Here's hoping I can stay focused.
Out of curiousity, does the type of cyclical thinking I describe happen to anyone else? ....No? ....I'm crazy?
That's what I thought.
4 comments:
I'm currently feeling THE SAME WAY! I thought President Eyring reminded me nicely this past Saturday with the following,
"But then He goes on to warn those of you who might fail to respond to the evidence that you are pushing on too far and too long in your loving service: 'And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man [or any caregiver] should run faster than he has strength. And again, it is expedient that he should be diligent, that thereby he might win the prize; therefore, all things must be done in order.'
That counsel can be hard to apply when the choice seems to be balancing a desire to do all you can to help others with the wisdom to be prudent in meeting your own needs to retain your power to serve."
Sometimes we need to just take care of ourselves! (I hope that makes sense.)
I love everything you and Becca just said! Yea, every so often I go into a spiral of "I'm not good enough, nothing ever gets done around here, someday things will be different, why can't that day be today? etc, etc, etc" Then Nate usually helps me snap out of it. I set some solid goals, and within a day or two life is just peachy again. Miss you! P.S. calling you is on one of my many never ending to-do lists. But someday I will get there.
um, GIRL. it's not just you! I've been feeling that way sooo much lately and I'm only 17. I know it's not even comparable to life with three kids, but I think there's times when we all feel this way about all of our personal to do and "to be" lists. love you!!!
I am the exact same way. Sometimes it is so hard to have those perfectionist tendencies. You really are someone I look up to. You do so much, and you always make me feel better about what I'm doing too. It's always so easy to look at others and think they are doing better than we are, but we don't see the little details of their lives... we compare their best with our worst. You are awesome!
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